In checking in with myself, I feel a gray wobbly stale sense of me. I feel flat a little bit, like a drone, just moving along,waiting to settle into this fantastically unknown life that I'm about to have. I always have this problem of waiting and bypassing whats in front of for whats further in front of me, but right now I cant seem to break the mold. In longing to find that happiness that everyone told me I would find, I remind myself that I haven’t laughed in a while and that being alone is sometimes the thing that makes time go by the slowest. Then I feel my body start to steel over and I become numb to the outside world, afraid of people I shouldn’t be afraid of, trying to escape delicate conversations because I'm tired of them and I want real friendships, not trivial ones that last for 2 days then you pledge to e-mail. This thing is hard to accept, that life is just moving forward and my problem I think is difficult to explain because the happiest times in my life I associate to places, not people or things or emotions, but where I was when I felt them. Because I do that, no other place matches up to that one place. I feel like Malaysia becomes a blur, a second in comparison to that one place, the place in my heart, and then I realize that it wasn’t the place - it was me in that element, my freedom, my preposterously explosive desire to fill myself up at every turn. It was my friends, my loves, the culture, my profundity, my scholasticism, my elasticity. This realization makes me feel want to cry sometimes because I was 19 and reckless and I still cant get myself to feel that way again.
I had purpose in this place, I found love, I found friendship and academic stimulation, I found language and I found my voice. I still wasn’t completely translucent to my self-concept, but I was getting there and other people saw the change too. I became enlightened to another place and another world that allowed me to say that I didn't like the places or worlds I had occupied before. I'm getting a slight feeling that now, the older, more apparent me may find that mature version of that in Thailand. But, I think I'm ready, and I think that my struggles and achievements so far through my passions found and lost again, my jobs and my personal triumphs have led me to this place in Thailand and I can make something incredible out of it, if I just stay open to it and allow myself to be flexible. Flexible and strong.
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