Musing!

4/15/13

This feels different to me than leaving for Asia.  Then, there was heartbreak, extreme emotions, heat, and a ripping apart of my life in Santa Barbara to create something entirely unique in a foreign place.  This feels complacent.  I am not forcing anything to a stop; things have eased themselves into a natural termination.  This is the beginning that I want, not one I need, or one that I have to construct out of a void.  There is nothing left for me to accomplish here in this moment, the light of this place is flickering to a close. 

My muse - my muse is trouble, she is delinquency and a torturous past, failed relationships and broken hearts and I get the sense that she is not able to fully function right now because I am doing pretty well.  Beauty used to be created for me out of a certain suffering and it will take me a while to re-assess that suffering, tap into it, and re-write it from this stance - to enter into a place in my life where I can engage a transformed muse and where beauty can emerge from a point of positivity and empowerment.  Not all the time though – she does come back uninvited and unexpected to scratch her long nails down the chalkboards of my inactivity.  But for now, her light and airy counterpart will have to find her way into my phonemes, spreading like inkblots and blurring and slurring the darkened syntax.  

Looking back (in preparation)

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August 4, 2005…(taken from one of my recently found journals)

I am overwhelmed by all I want to do, but I can’t stand still.  I need to do something out of the ordinary, need to take a risk, break away from this level of functionality and add a spark to it’s grayness.  Maybe I’m slowly getting ready.  

Presently….

It’s hard to believe – well it’s hard to believe a lot about that last statement, that I wrote it almost 8 years ago, that since then I have done some fairly out of the ordinary things, that I felt this way before leaving for college and that I still feel this way a little bit.  I love these pieces of me that I see over time, I love how they melt together and roughly form the portrait of who I am, and how that portrait will help build the one 8 years from now.  In looking back, there are times when I wish I could hold myself, tell myself that the storm will clear, tell myself to stay or go, tell myself that soon the pain will pass and the beauty will begin.  Tell myself to breathe, breathe through the hard times and gulp the air down when times are good.  I know I will want to tell myself these things as I look back on this phase of my life years from now, so I hope that through this retrospective looking glass I can invert the image and hold steady on me now, continue breathing through the hard times and the good, and love myself throughout this new adventure.

For those of you who are interested, here is a link to the organization I will be working for in Peru:

http://www.sacredvalleyhealth.org/about.html