Oh, how happy

This is bliss.  These dirty pants and this dirty shirt, my dirty nails and clean smile, my happy happy feet willing to dance, my newly grown smile lines.  I look back retroactively retrospective, or maybe a little introspective, trying to get a little intimate with why I feel so freaking bright pink and I see that it’s been here inside of my blood for a while now.  I see that it has happened.  My happiness, my soul, that little blue light that grows inside of me right behind my heart is glowing and it meets up with other blue lights who make it glow even brighter and brighter, enough to blot out the sun if we wanted.  But the light, my soul, the blue butterfly in its new shiny armor is inside of ME and not inside of a place that I will constantly long to be in, not trapped inside of a memory that will always make my stomach turn, not stuck inside of anywhere except for me and wherever I go, there it is.  Bliss.  Happiness, no longer in pursuit I see it as here, not fully achieved but at least I caught it placed it inside of me and now all I have to do is take care of it.  Smile smile.  Smiling alone in a restaurant.  Laugh laugh.  Laughing at myself smiling alone in a restaurant.  Yes, I could go anywhere, this line doesn’t turn to form a circle that closes around a country and a memory and a face and a period in my life; this line, and the lines around my face, form more lines that lead to more lines and more people and happiness and different places and the same little blue light inside of me that contains all of it and has the capacity to either let it go if necessary or put infinitely more inside. 

Mae Sot will end, I will leave and go somewhere else and be happy.  I will be happy here.  I was happy in Chiang Mai.  Gasp, I was even happy for bits and pieces in the hell of Pattaya, when Jenna and I would find ourselves far enough away from the devil to laugh where he couldn’t hear us.  And, most importantly, I will be happy a year from now, doing whatever I decide to do, and I will be happy tomorrow and if I’m not, if I’m grumpy or something, then I will go for a bike ride and find the little blue light again inside of me.