Fireworks

I put on a new album I received from my mother, that of an old family friend, listened to the song “Going Going Gone”, heard that thrumming, frontierfull and borderless voice emote like a rocking chair and surprised myself by bursting into tears.  That voice I have known for 26 years came out of my computer and sang a song I thought for a moment was written about that very space I found myself in.  That voice brought crumbling down mountains of sobbing recollections, resurfacing that childhood I thought was long gone, long forgotten in that veil of sadness I had shrouded it in.  That shimmer of pure feeling, of pure positivity about those years, when for epochs and centuries of tears behind dark eyelids I had stowed away -“feeling” for later - those towers came down.  I remember feeling happy; on warm houseboats in my bathing suit, learning how to drive and singing songs that I knew were sad but that I would understand, again, later.  I remember feeling happy.  I have not held that sentiment in my heart or in my hands for years, but there it was, inspired by that voice and I don’t know why, but now I can say to myself when I am in those dark moments, in that ghost town, when even though I am happy now (I know this is a new feeling) I can look back and know that there were times, lots and lots of times, when I was happy then as well.  That it wasn’t a black hole, that it wasn’t always difficult.  

I now find myself in what I would consider the fireworks show of that period of thinking, that part where it all melts together and beauty emerges, finally, unhindered by everything before it, leaving a small trace of grey smoke to let me know it’s still not perfect, but explosions of color are happening all around, all within and without.  I am doing really well here, I am ecstatic, I am sad, I am reminiscent in sunny glow, I am laughing at those seasons in the sun, I am resplendent with memories and plans, I am, like I am right now, crying with a glass of wine and avocado on toast because some things can never change.  This is a fantastic stage I am on.