3/23/11
I am wandering and I have to be ok with it, because for now, that’s what I am passionate about. I have this emptiness inside of me, this part that knows I can’t stay here. For so long I was like a lost child in the dark, running away from a terrible yet familiar monster. Running from darkness and into darkness, so horrified by what everything was and so pained by the obscurity of the future that I stopped running and sat down in the middle of everything and put my hands over my ears and shut my eyes tightly. I can’t do that anymore, Santa Barbara has stopped being good sitting grounds, the storm has passed and although the monster still needs slaying I need to move on. I need to go into the unknown, to stand up and stretch my legs for a while. I’m taking with me a picture I have of the younger me, the four year old me, sitting on a bench and holding on to it tightly, but preparing to let go and finally stand up.
Later…
How do I prepare for something like this? I’m worried that I’ll get there and feel nothing, like the last couple times I went anywhere and felt like not even a beautiful place could fill me up because I was empty. This has to be wonderful, this has to be beautiful, this has to be me, being adventurous, discovering my Beccaroots…who I am, what I like. Regardless of what everyone else thinks I like, I feel like I don’t know what it is that I actually enjoy doing. I get a serious inferiority complex when I hear about other people doing other things and I am unsure if what I’m doing will ever match up to what they have done, what they are doing, what they want to do. I simply have tried a lot, and still don’t know. I know what I don’t want, and I know a little bit about what I’m good at, but that’s it. I’m laughing at myself because I feel like I’m normal, and everyone else who knows what they want is out of their mind.
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