Here I go!

4/5/11

I’m glad I’m leaving on a Thursday, and not a Tuesday.  Tuesdays, yellow and bland, enchilada hot-lunches and weak, starch washed grade-school jumpers always made me queasy with the idea that the day took so long to be over.  But Thursdays, deep blue and pleasant, like a blanket of leaves in my tree-house on a sunny afternoon, make me think I could actually sleep on a plane for once.  This trip, however haphazard and catastrophe-strewn it turned out to be, seems magnificently deep blue…it’s sensory capacity is almost blindingly familiar…it feels like the cold rush I got when I held my grandmother’s hands.  Her hands were always the perfect temperature for holding, not too warm to feel elegantly grandmother-like, but wholesome and cool, like walking into a room with a ceiling fan and soft lighting after a day in the bright sun.  She will walk with me on this trip (I’m bringing a tiny rose-scented rosary with a Mother Theresa emblem). 

I’ve been looking back on the time I spent here, this precious post-college, real life time of realization and actualization of dreams lost and harsh 9-5 days found, and find that there have been so many achievements for me and those around me.  Then, like a shot of whiskey, mortality angrily percolates through my veins and I worry that with this time lost, with me not being here, that my face will fade from trees and streets and houses and turn into time-mulch, forever waiting for me to find myself and come back to it and most of all, feel ok.  Baby Jenna said my name the other day, which is a secret goal I’ve had for a while.  All that subtle whispering in her ear was a success!  When she looks at me, innocence and its impeccable beauty fall gently from her wide open smile and I feel all the voids within me fill with the calmness of new life.  Which is great, especially because I’m sure after months and months of teaching this little puddle of inner Becca-child will come rushing out of me and I’ll love to love little ones, like I would love to love myself as a child.  One day.

Oooooh, the things I will miss, the comfortability (not a word yet) I have found and am forfeiting, the friends and the family who I am finally really connecting with, will all have to be put gently aside as I, for the first time in my entire life put myself unselfishly first, to fill all of my gaps and holes, to wake up and ask what I want to do, to know me in my rawest form.  Here I go!