Musing!

4/15/13

This feels different to me than leaving for Asia.  Then, there was heartbreak, extreme emotions, heat, and a ripping apart of my life in Santa Barbara to create something entirely unique in a foreign place.  This feels complacent.  I am not forcing anything to a stop; things have eased themselves into a natural termination.  This is the beginning that I want, not one I need, or one that I have to construct out of a void.  There is nothing left for me to accomplish here in this moment, the light of this place is flickering to a close. 

My muse - my muse is trouble, she is delinquency and a torturous past, failed relationships and broken hearts and I get the sense that she is not able to fully function right now because I am doing pretty well.  Beauty used to be created for me out of a certain suffering and it will take me a while to re-assess that suffering, tap into it, and re-write it from this stance - to enter into a place in my life where I can engage a transformed muse and where beauty can emerge from a point of positivity and empowerment.  Not all the time though – she does come back uninvited and unexpected to scratch her long nails down the chalkboards of my inactivity.  But for now, her light and airy counterpart will have to find her way into my phonemes, spreading like inkblots and blurring and slurring the darkened syntax.